Endometriosis.

That is what my doctor discoved on Wednesday. Not the worst but I'm still not thrilled. The thought of being infertile terrifies me. I'm only 20. Jacob and I aren't ready for a family, but the Dr says the sooner we try the better off we will be. Ugh. Hysterectomy is a way to fix it, really. I'd rather have pain & try my damndest to have a family then go that route. Anyone know anything about this? I go for a follow up in 2 weeks and will know what stage and all that then. I am thanking God it wasn't a tumor, which was what he was expecting.

Also am I not pretty young to have this? I dont know a lot about it really. I can read and read what it says online but a lot of it contradicts itself..

On a funny note, when I first woke up in recovery I tried to bull the breathing tube out, I panicked I guess. Then I kept taking the oxygen mask off. I was in a rare form. I remember that, then I remember being put in a room and my family coming in & the nurse I had was a complete BITCH! Oh well I am home & friends and family are taking very good care of me. :) I know yesterday I was not easy to deal with! haha. Today was a little better but not much.

When I told Jacob about being advising trying to conceive sooner rather than later he wasn't thrilled. We had planned on waiting at least another 4-5 years to try, so I dont know what we will do. I definately want children and am terrified if I take fertility drugs I'll end up with multiples, and lose what little bit of sane I have left. haha. We shall see..

I'd give anything to have him here to comfort me. This really broke my heart being told I probably won't be able to have children. I will know more in 2 weeks though so I'm trying to stay positive. It really aggravates me that so many people who can have kids give them up or treat them like shit or have abortions and people like me who want nothing more than to be a mother can't or have to struggle. Agh. :(

my "to-do's"

I've been thinking on overdrive a lot the past few days and have come to many conclusions..

• I want to get better. I want to know what causes this pain I have and fix it, no matter what it takes.
• I want to go back to school, not exactly sure what for yet but I know I want to go. Jacob informed of some sort of tuition credit for spouses of IA service members so I want to look into that and hopefully get some of the basic things over with starting in January. I have narrowed my choices down to a few..
• I want to find me again. Somewhere in all this madness I feel like I have lost me. I dont know who I am anymore. It's almost like I'm an outsider looking in. I see all this but wonder is this really me?
• I want to figure out how in the hell you communicate with your deployed spouse. I am tired of nit-picking and bickering over stupid shit. I know I need to learn to edit what I say a little better, sometimes things I say come out completely wrong. I'm only human. I will not let this deployment get the best of me or him. We will make it. And I will one day learn how to handle it as best as possible.
• I want to get back in church. If I dont have faith, what do I have?
• I want to learn to be nicer. I swear I constantly have diarrhea of the mouth. It's like I can't control it. I will keep being blunt and honest but I need to make it a little nicer. I will always say exactly what I think but I am sure there is a better way to do so.
• I will figure out who my real friends are and send the rest packing. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who don't give a damn and bring you down.
• I will go above and beyond to 'repay' my friends for being there for me 24-7 through this deployment. I will do whatever I can for them. I know I have been a difficult bitch but I am working on it, & they are still there behind me. I can't thank them enough.

I guess the thought of having something seriously wrong has scared me. I'm not broadcasting what the doctor told me on here of what he thinks it could be until I know for sure. It's sad it takes people to hit a scary spot in life before they wake up, but unfortunately that's reality. I want to do this. No matter what the outcome of my surgery may be. I want to better myself & my life. I want to be happy again.