"the fool in him that walked out, is the fool that just won't ask"

I'm sure your wondering just what i'm up to..

well I left TN. I packed up and left in a matter of a few days. Do I regret it? no.. not regret, do i wish i had calmed down a little bit more before i did it.. yes. I'm happy. I'm having the time of my life catching up with old friends, turning 21, and being an independent woman for the first time ever. But I miss the hell out of my husband, he is still my husband. He's home from his deployment, he was due home on my 21st birthday. That was a very trying day. I cried that day, for the first time since I left TN. I had not imagined a year ago today, I'd be where I am today. I want to see him, crazy I know. I guess out of sight, out of mind applies. But out of country, out of mind? Maybe. Who knows what I was thinking. I'm still mad, and no I don't think things would be any different if I had stayed. But a girl can and will wonder.

Text just sent. "I miss you. More than I thought I would, and I'm tired of denying it."

Guts or stupidity, who knows. One thing I've always been is honest, even when it hurts. Even when I don't like admitting it. I asked him to stop by on his way back to his base after his leave. He agreed to shockingly enough, but do I really want to go there. I might walk away with more questions and doubts than I walked in with. And I really don't need that. Honestly I do have a few of his things that somehow got mixed in with mine and I do need to give them to them. But I don't know if I am capable of that.

I was fine, until I knew he was home. And now I just wonder how it felt to him to come home and me not be there. He practically walked into an empty house, he'd never seen except for my pictures. Maybe I should quit thinking and debating and let it go. I chose this, and I am happy. For the most part. We shall see.

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

One day I'm going to learn to control my temper, and watch my mouth. When that day comes, hell will probably be freezing. I get it from my father mostly. With a little extra dab from my mother. haha. I can turn on you in the blink of an eye and have you chewed up and spit out before either of us realizes it. ... My husband is the same way. We're both hot headed little brats. Used to getting our way. I can admit it, he cant. So it has made for some interesting arguments. You walk away trying to catch your breath and remember what just happened. I unfortunately, got my panties in a HUGE WAD the other day and let him have it. Really for no certain reason other than hurt and frustration. I said things I shouldn't have said, but I'm a little glad they got out. So by the time I had come down off my steroids, he was fired up and I just wanted to get along. Never works quite that way. So this morning he sends me a nice message and it gets me all fired up again. "..sorry for being an ass the other day.." I wanted to say really jackass, glad you wokeup. But I didn't, and I didn't let my hands get to typing something shitty in response. I followed the rule we all learn quite young. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. It was about 3 hours ago that I got this message and I'm still trying to decide what to say, if anything at all. I'm learning.

I know people in the military go through this everyday. And it really ticks me off that we let things get so out of hand, we are about to be another statistic. I'm trying like hell to hold on, but it takes two. I'm prepared to walk away, but I really don't want to have to. I know how we are when we are together & we are unstoppable. We've been thru a lot together, and always have managed to keep our heads above water even through the ugliest storms.

"..well thats what we do, we fight. you tell me when i'm being

an arrogant son of a bitch & i tell you when your a pain in

the ass. which you are, 99% of the time. i'm not afraid to hurt

your feelings. you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your

back doing the next pain in the ass thing."

"so it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. we're gonna have to work

at this everyday. but i want to do that, because i want you, all of you. forever, you and me

everyday. will you do something for me please? 30 years from now, 40 years

from now? whats it look like? if its with him then go, i lost you once, i think i can do it

again. if i thought it's really what you wanted. but don't take the easy way out"

not only do i love the notebook. but i love quotes and lyrics and such as well. i replied.. but all i replied with was why? i like explanations and i want to see what he comes with. it might require another 3 hour wait for a response or it might take a day or two. we shall see..

...

i wish i could say something positive. unfortunately i can't. too far to repair i do believe.

update soon..

right here waiting for you..

so as i usually do. i've come to eat my words. i regret telling jacob i wanted to go home to virginia. i regret the cruel things i've said out of anger. i regret the way i acted to him. and now he's the one lashing out and i'm the one with the puzzled look on my face..

i told him i felt like we needed to wait till he gets home. it's less than 2 months. i feel like we owe it to ourselves. we've overcome every other battle. and the end of this deployment is weighing on us. yes i am still frustrated and hurt but i am willing to take on anything to save my marriage. however, he's not having it. we have argued a lot this past year. neither of us understands what the other is going thru. he has no idea how much has changed for me, and i have no idea what has changed for him. he is really hurt and angry over things i said in a big mouth redneck rage. (acting like my 'father') i regret it, but i can't change it. i can just hope sometime between now and then he sees how sorry i am, and how much i do love him. even through the obstacles. i have faith in my marriage. and i have more love for my husband than anything or anyone. i just hope it isn't too late, i'm afraid it is.

say a little prayer for me, and say a little prayer for him to forgive. we have a long way to go if he's willing to, but i can quarantee our love is worth it. we've always made it through the tough stuff. and i don't want to stop now.

i know i've been mistaken,

but just give me a break and see the changes i have made

i've got some imperfections,

but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face.

....

i found what i need in you

why can't you just forgive me?

i dont want to relive all the mistakes i've made along the way

day by day.

One of my friends looked me dead in the eyes the other day, and said "does it hurt at all?" after I picked my mouth off the ground, I said of course it does, just because I'm not walking around crying doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I cry in my own private time, I'm sad it came to this. But I'm not going to curl up in a ball and die. Regardless of any situation, life goes on. I'm terrified to start a life without him, but I'm also looking forward to the future. Sometime's in life, love isn't enough and I realize that. You can't force two people to get along, and make it work.

From what I've seen from his facebook updates and such, he's doing just fine. I hope he is, I hope he's happy. I haven't really talked to him. I don't have too much to say really. Part of me is a little angry with him so it's probably best I stay quiet. I'm trying to work that out on my own. His mom keeps telling me we need to talk in person, but neither of us have any desire too. We let it go too far, before we really said anything. Too much has been done, and said and it's too late now. I know my feelings aren't what they used to be, I'm sure he feels the same. The same friend that asked if it hurt, also said can't you just make it work? No, you can't compromise each others happiness and wants to make everyone else happy. We're very different people. Somewhere between 15 and now we changed, duh, anyone would.

Maybe that makes me a huge bitch because I'm not willing to fight like I used to, oh well. Before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. People act so shocked because I never said what I was thinking or feeling, but I like to work my battles out on my own. I don't need your advice, because when it comes to Jacob, I'm not going to listen. I've never listened to anyone about us. I've always basically told people to kiss my ass, I was going to love him and be with him come hell or high water, and I did/do. But things change..

All I know is, I'm taking things day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes I have to walk away and fight back some tears, but I'm doing it. It's crazy to think how it goes from good to gone, how two people who were once inseperable are now complete strangers..

what do you say in a moment like this?

well.



last you knew all was well in the world for me.



wrong.



not that i havent ever meant every good thing ive ever said about my husband and my marriage, unfortunately we have agreed to part ways. i know i know, i just wrote about how much i loved him and would do whatever it took to make it. and, ive tried. however, it's just not working for us. i have no doubt we love each other, but we suck as a married couple. not just we have arguments and get over it. we rip each other new ones and have come to realize we are now two completely different people. we want different things and there's no way to find the happy medium. i don't even like the state we live in, i want to go home to Virginia. and the first person who says it's deployment stress will get choked by me. we don't have the same idea's on what is and isn't okay in a marriage. after some pretty harsh months, i realized that life is too short. i don't know what will come of this. but i hope one day we can be the friends we used to be, and we both get everything we want and deserve.

i'm incredibly sad. but i've also got goals and plans and i'm not letting anything hold me back. i will always love jacob in some way and it hurts that something i've fought so hard for fell thru my hands like sand. the hardest part was after i told him, he never fought me. he didn't say don't go, he said it sounds like your minds made up. i guess that was the icing on the cake. one of my battles with him is i dont feel like he gives a damn, and i know he's in a shitty place and stressed out but when he has internet access and i see him get on facebook but never check on me it gets to you, and not because we'd be fighting but because he didn't choose to. he doesn't realize he's fighting his battle, but i've fought a completely different one with many things since he's been gone. he constantly tells me i have my friends but if you saw his pictures and status' and such you'd see he isn't doing so bad, it could be WAY worse. i don't blame him though, i've changed. i am not the girl he left behind in june, i am a young woman who knows what she will and will not tolerate, and exactly what she wants in her marriage.

I don't know what more to say really. It's shocked a lot of people, but a lot of people didn't know the true story either. I hope we can both find peace with our decision.

be there.

how do you support someone/something you think is a crock of shit? reallllly.



i know someone who while at work on night shift she sneaks out for some hanky panky in the parking lot. yet she wants a 2nd job, and me as a reference and me to see if where i work is hiring. yeah right. dream on.



or maybe the girl who is about to marry someone in the military and we all know how she is and she wants our love and support. how do you stand back and watch this guy marry her, probably because he knocked her up within a month of dating, but you know the kind of girl she is. is it even his baby? and we all know shes going to cheat on him. she probably already has 9841652457 times.



or the person whos carelessly diving blind into something without thinking twice.



better yet how do you step up and say you know what i don't agree with this, support it, stand behind you or whatever. you certainly don't want to hurt any feelings but being honest is going to hurt feelings. but im tired of smiling and biting my tongue. maybe that makes me a bad friend, or maybe that makes me a good friend because i don't want to see you make idiotic choices. 99% of people would stand back and smile and fake being supportive but i'm not going to. that isn't who i am. no need to bullshit. you need to hear the truth.



to person #1 - your being a whore. a dirty whore. if i knew a way to let your boss know what was going on i would. if you want to get paid while having sex become a prostitute.



to person #2 - i do believe the text said "husband got more money once you all were married right?" GOLD DIGGER. if your marrying for money marrying someone that just went in to the military is not where you need to go. please ask yourself is this really this mans baby? i do believe the military will test since you were pregnant before the wedding. think wisely. can i really give up having a new boyfriend monthly to being somoenes wife, someone whos gone more than they are home? didn't think so..

person #3 you just need to wake up and smell the roses.

To cry or not to cry.

Sometimes I have to remind myself it's okay to cry. Then I still fight back tears. It's a battle I'm constantly fighting with myself. To cry or not to cry.

Tonight I was with a friend looking at wedding invitations. That itself made me a little teary. Then somehow the lady who was helping us someone got on the topic of babies and her sister just having one & being in the Navy. So of course it gets brought up that my husbands in the navy, so on come the questions. I'm proud of him and I love to 'brag' about him but geeeeeeeze. If I look away from you and blink erratically, I am about to cry, enough with the questions!

I always come close to crying at the worst times, like tonight in party city. Sometimes I can't stop it though and I just cry. If I see someone in uniform, I can feel the tears coming. And there's no stopping them then. I don't know what I'd do without my friends comforting me in a restaraunt, at 3 AM, in the middle of a movie. Anywhere and everywhere I need them, they are there. Sometimes I see the tears come to their eyes too. Its wonderful knowing I have friends who literally, cry when I cry.

So right now, I'm crying. And it's perfectly appropriate. The cat and dog already think I'm crazy so if I'm crying they just snuggle a little closer and let me. They don't ask questions. I'm in my pajamas. I'd be watching a mushy movie if there was a good one on. And YES there would be ice cream and cookie dough involved if there was any. But who wants to put on their bra to go to the store. hahaha. So my chocolate milk will have to work.

Less than 100 days to go now, and at this point 100 days seems like nothing. I can't wait to see my husband. I can't wait for him to see our house for the first time. I can't wait for him to wrap his arms around me and swear it will all be okay. But I know as soon as that comes, another deployment will come too sooner or later. Unfortunately right now it's loooking pretty soon. So I will grin and bear it and fight the battle of to cry or not to cry all over again.

...

is it incredibly insane that i'm terrified to be alone in this house at night? every little noise makes me come out of my skin and replay every horror movie i've ever seen. haha. my mom said the animals will wake you up if someone comes in. bullshit. they might wake me up by trying to dive under me and hide. it's not like its in a bad area or in the middle of nowhere. ahhh. i'll just keep leaving lights on until the electric bill comes. haha.

i spent alllllll day at the pool. amazing.

i want to really start decorating my bedroom. husband swears we're getting a new bedroom set when he comes home, but i don't want to wait that long. men. ugh. hahaha. but i don't want him to miss out on anything else either.

i think i'm done rambling for now.

"In dreams and in love nothing is impossible"

april 1st of last year is the day jacob told me he was being deployed. i thought it was his sick version of a april fool's joke. i vividly remember cussing him and telling him he WAS NOT funny, and certain body parts would be removed if he was joking.

at that point we didn't know where he was going, or for how long, or when. i was a wreck. my friend said to me the other day i remember you calling me balling to tell me he was leaving. i'm sure everyone remembers that. i KNEW it was coming, but i don't think anything can prepare you for it. almost 3 months came and went very quickly and there i was standing in a strange airport, 8 hours from home all alone. i thought about sitting there because i couldn't just put one foot in front of the other. i thought about chasing him, knowing security would take me out. other than that my mind was blank. what the hell was i supposed to do now? i made my way to my car, called people who didn't answer and when someone did all i could do was sob. i got to the hotel, by this point all our things we're moved back to knoxville and we had been staying in a hotel his last few days. it was a feeling i had never felt in my life, and never wanted to have to feel. i wanted to hide in the hotel room and not make the 8 hour drive back home the next morning. but i knew i needed someone. that was the longest 8 hours ever by the way.

at first i didn't think life would go on. it took me a month to get motivated to go find a job and actually do something with myself. it took a long time. a really long time for me to see that life most certainly was going on and i was okay. i turned around and nearly 10 months have gone by. it's nothing now. ((most days)) but today is one of those days that it completely and totally sucks ass.

i went to my cousins wedding today, it's hard to believe almost a year and a half ago i said those vows and took on my role as a sailor's wife. it really reminded me how much i love jacob. even through the bullshit. like the stupid idiotic fights and mood swings a deployment can make ten million times worse. i can't imagine my life without him. and i can't imagine our life any other way. then walking through the store tonight i was cussing inside my head, how the hell do you cook for one person? i'm not eating hamburger helper for 5 days or a sandwich every night. it really aggrivated the hell out of me. so i decided after i got my blood pressure nice and high. to just say FUCK IT. haha. ahh, yes one of those moods. [[PS i randomly started a period right at the end of the ceremony today, thank god for being nuts and taking extra clothes & underwear, and having tampons. haha]] so here's to you aunt flo, for coming on the worst day. i blame you for making me miss my husband even more, and for my temper tantrum in my head at the grocery store.

did i mention i'm still bitter about the in law thing too? ....

out-laws.. i mean in-laws. maybe.

is there just some law that no matter how well you got along before the marriage and/or engagement as soon as vows are said it turns into a war? why didn't i get this memo?

my dear mil, sometimes is like a snake in the grass waiting to jump out and bite you. she will turn on you in the blink of an eye. even had the nerve to tell my husband that i havent included her in anything having to do with us moving into our home. BULLSHIT! she was invited to the housewarming party, she knew the exact date and time i was closing and that i was moving in that night, shes been invited to dinner here. there's always some story, and reason. i avoided her ONE DAY because she was trying to give us some gross furniture from her new boyfriends apartment. no thank you. he's a smoker, we arent. he's been a single man. see the problems? haha. she even got handed a key to our house, against my better judgement. she might see a side of us she never wanted to see when husband comes home. ;) use your key wisely.

on top of all this moving drama. which was quite an event anyway. she informs me that we (her, her new bf, & i) are all going together to get husband when he returns and spend sometime there on the beach. HOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLD the hell on. I am the one that has been deprived for over a year at that point. husband isn't meeting his new 'father' the day he gets home from a 13-14 month long deployment. he's meeting his wife, and a bed. and we don't want to spend time on the beach, the man wants to come see his house that he has never seen except for my crappy pictures off my cell phone that he gets. i'm going alone to get him, period end of story. i got my way for his r&r, i will get my way again. he's learning to walk a fine line between wife & mommy.

the best part is, we used to be really close. now i want to scream if i have to talk to her or go over there. i think partly because she has lost her mind when it comes to men. she did move this man in like a week after their first date. and she is trying to jump in my marriage. i married my husband, not her too. anytime we fight, its like she smells it and makes a bad situation worse by pissing us both off, jumping in it. maybe it all seems like evil torture methods and shes really just trying to be nice. but if this is nice i dont want any part of it. i would have never imagined it coming to this oh but here it is, the oh so common in law war.

house

mine, mine, mine. :) the only excitement/happiness in my life at the moment.

no title.

tomorrow is my follow up appointment for that dear tumor the ER doctor identified. i'm seriously considering shitting my pants. forgive the language. my aunt died from cancer, hers was a retroperitoneal sarcoma. and apparently it's hard to diagnose and it's often in later stages, which scared me even more. so much for reading up on my family history. i'm trying to be positive and believe that the ER doc was right, and it's just a fibroid tumor. buttttt knowing cancer is common in my family, in my immediate family i can't help but be a little worried. i have endometriosis, isn't that enough punishment for now? i'm only 20, i can't even legally go have a drink and drive myself nuts thinking about all this. (come on july!!) i'm trying to prepare myself for whatever he might throw out as my diagnosis, last time i went in thinking it was nothing, i was having surgery 5 days later. so i need to be on my toes, i suppose is what i'm thinking. i don't know really.

i'm still frustrated jacobs not here for all this. but thankful i can at least talk to him about it nearly everyday. he's trying to be tough, which is cute. but it's okay if he wants to be terrified with me. but he will never admit it.

there's so much going on in my life right now i feel like my head is going to spin off. work, my medical issues, my husband gone, closing on our house in 9 days, going to Virginia in 5 days to get our stuff & visit. i feel like i'm trying to take on the world, and kick ass at it. not just do it good enough to get by. oh yeah, i want to start school in may too. i've been fighting a losing battle with myself, and finally this week i have just cried. a lot. i've let it out, and it feels good. i'm tired of being tough & supergirl. i finally feel defeated. which isn't good but it does feel good to give 'tough' a break.

i said i would explain how i knew i wasn't experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, so here it is. i missed my period after jacob left. some strange spotting later, i found myself in a bathroom with two of my closest friends peeing on a stick. i said oh it's negative lets go. then i looked. ha. bethany says 'morgan why did you just go white as a ghost'.. sure enough there was a positive. it was faint but clearly there.. i was in complete shock, and quiet for the 2nd time in my life. the first time was when jacob proposed. 2 more positives, a negative, and a nothing later i find myself waiting at the drs office THEY HAD ME SCHEDULED FOR THE WRONG THING!! i don't know what part they didn't hear on the phone but they are morons. not to mention the rude bitch receptionist i talked to earlier that week. i never left the hallway of my doctors office. i fought back tears as the nurse shuffled me in the lab room to get blood drawn, i saw my doctor 3 seconds in the hallway. it was a mess. then the following week i get a call that my blood levels werent quite right and i still need to go back to make sure nothing is left in my uterus. the blood i experience, my doctor feels was a miscarriage. devastating. i want nothing more than to be a wife and mom. i was crushed. then this other crap starts happening so i'm really beaten down right now. they could've at least called me in for all that. it was a lot to hear over the phone.

one last piece of disappointing news, at least until i know more.. i went to the hospital to get my records from my ER trip for my doctor to have at my appointment. i go over my lab work they did.. something isn't right with my white blood cells. they are very very few. i really don't know why that would be. but i'm not looking it up either, i've scared myself enough. my doctor can tell me tomorrow.

on a happy note, in 5 days i will be at the beach. visiting my dear friend & getting our stuff out of storage to settle into our new home. i can't wait for that. i can't wait to feel that sand in between my toes. and really looking forward to the roadtrip with chelsea up there. :)

so dear doctor, please give me good news tomorrow.

"when push comes to shove you taste what your made of,

you might bend till you break cause it's all you can take.

on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough.

you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off,

then you stand."

deployment= house. tumor. frustration.

this is not how i expected my life during my husband's deployment to go. this is not how i expected my life at any point to go. first and foremost :: some crazy little part of me thought after his r&r the last of this would be easier. ha. what a crazy thought that was. i have nearly pulled out all my hair in the little more than a month since jacobs been gone back. not literally. but i have been kicking and screaming, literally. while home, well like the last day he decides we are buying a house, he's getting out of the military and I am staying in Tennesse. I wasn't a happy person. Then after some very aggrivating house hunting, I found one, and I got excited & now in 2 weeks I will be living in our adorable first house. and I CANT WAIT. buttttttt. there's always a but...

as previously mentioned I had surgery back in November, and discovered I have endometriosis. Not life threatening but it will most likely eventually make me infertile, not to mention miserable from pain. Then Saturday I started feeling a new pain, well I've felt this pain before but not to this extent.. By Sunday, I was headed to the ER. I know my endometriosis pain, and I knew this wasn't quite right. After 5 million questions. The dr says well I believe you are experiencing and ectopic pregnancy or ruptured cyst. I knew it wasn't the pregnancy (will explain later) so I was like cyst no big deal, this pain will go away soon and I will be good. Then after a humiliating pelvic exam with many people in the room, and me nearly smacking the doctor because whatever he was poking HURT. I get some blood work done, wait.wait.wait, get sent to ultrasound where I nearly smack the ultrasound tech. Ah yes, first transvaginal ultrasound, so pleasant, wait.wait.wait. Then the doctor comes in and said well you aren't pregnant, with a good or bad pregnancy (so nice of you doc!) you dont have a ruptured cyst either... you have a fibroid tumor on your uterus. tumor and uterus don't go well together. tumor isn't good alone. he didn't tell me a lot, other than I was too young for this, or the morphine shot doesn't allow me to remember much, but I was told to follow up with my OBGYN, which I am doing, on Monday.

I do know these are very common and have slim chances of being cancerous, but I have cancer in my immediate family. My aunt passed away from cancer that started in her vagina. So yes I am terrified. And I have very little faith in how accurate my ER doctor is at identifying certain tumors.

Not to mention, I'm feeling extremely frustrated with Jacob. I know he doesn't know what to say, and he can't do anything from where he is. And I resent that. I am so frustrated he hasn't been here to go thru all these changes. I swore I would never be one of those wifes. But a lot has been put on my plate and I am quite overwhelmed. I love him with all my heart though, and I know he will support me as best as he can.

More posting later.. for now, goodnight.