been a while..

oh boy, you can definately tell it's getting close to the holidays. things have been hectic, to say the least.

the deadline to mail a package to my love is dec. 4th, friday(for it to get there by christmas).. and i have no ideas for something spectacular for christmas. i got him some goodies he likes but the presents he wants are all for his truck.. but i still want to send him something creative for christmas to get down there, other than pictures of his new truck accessories! haha.

my follow up appointment from surgery was good! thank goodness. i am now on prenatals and going to try and conceive a little blessings when jacob has leave. woooo! thank goodness my endometriosis was early stage 2, and no real problems for me other than the pain. no blocked tubes or scar tissue! yay! but it's still best to try & start a family sooner according to my doctor. and now that i've wrapped my head around the idea, i can't wait to be a mommy! :)

hopefully soon.. my love will get leave or R&R whatever you want to call it. and i cannot wait!! we have arrangements to spend the first night in a hotel.. then visit for a day or two then two nights in a cabin, then visit & probably the last night or two at a hotel.. ahhh i can't wait! i am about to pop.

soooo, i am now on a workout mission. haha. just by cutting back on sweet tea & paying a little attention to what i eat i've lost 7 lbs in a little over a week! go me! so joining a gym tomorrow on top of the home exercise machine my mom drug out for me i should have no problem getting a wonderful figure in time to hopefully have a pregnant body. haha. if i don't get pregnant when he has leave i have the option to go on a shot monthly for 6 months, it will make my body think it's in menopause & dely the progression of the endometriosis and stop or ease up the pain.. then 2 or 3 months after the last shot i will start a period again & could try again then. so who knows what will happen.

oh so much happening! :)

Endometriosis.

That is what my doctor discoved on Wednesday. Not the worst but I'm still not thrilled. The thought of being infertile terrifies me. I'm only 20. Jacob and I aren't ready for a family, but the Dr says the sooner we try the better off we will be. Ugh. Hysterectomy is a way to fix it, really. I'd rather have pain & try my damndest to have a family then go that route. Anyone know anything about this? I go for a follow up in 2 weeks and will know what stage and all that then. I am thanking God it wasn't a tumor, which was what he was expecting.

Also am I not pretty young to have this? I dont know a lot about it really. I can read and read what it says online but a lot of it contradicts itself..

On a funny note, when I first woke up in recovery I tried to bull the breathing tube out, I panicked I guess. Then I kept taking the oxygen mask off. I was in a rare form. I remember that, then I remember being put in a room and my family coming in & the nurse I had was a complete BITCH! Oh well I am home & friends and family are taking very good care of me. :) I know yesterday I was not easy to deal with! haha. Today was a little better but not much.

When I told Jacob about being advising trying to conceive sooner rather than later he wasn't thrilled. We had planned on waiting at least another 4-5 years to try, so I dont know what we will do. I definately want children and am terrified if I take fertility drugs I'll end up with multiples, and lose what little bit of sane I have left. haha. We shall see..

I'd give anything to have him here to comfort me. This really broke my heart being told I probably won't be able to have children. I will know more in 2 weeks though so I'm trying to stay positive. It really aggravates me that so many people who can have kids give them up or treat them like shit or have abortions and people like me who want nothing more than to be a mother can't or have to struggle. Agh. :(

my "to-do's"

I've been thinking on overdrive a lot the past few days and have come to many conclusions..

• I want to get better. I want to know what causes this pain I have and fix it, no matter what it takes.
• I want to go back to school, not exactly sure what for yet but I know I want to go. Jacob informed of some sort of tuition credit for spouses of IA service members so I want to look into that and hopefully get some of the basic things over with starting in January. I have narrowed my choices down to a few..
• I want to find me again. Somewhere in all this madness I feel like I have lost me. I dont know who I am anymore. It's almost like I'm an outsider looking in. I see all this but wonder is this really me?
• I want to figure out how in the hell you communicate with your deployed spouse. I am tired of nit-picking and bickering over stupid shit. I know I need to learn to edit what I say a little better, sometimes things I say come out completely wrong. I'm only human. I will not let this deployment get the best of me or him. We will make it. And I will one day learn how to handle it as best as possible.
• I want to get back in church. If I dont have faith, what do I have?
• I want to learn to be nicer. I swear I constantly have diarrhea of the mouth. It's like I can't control it. I will keep being blunt and honest but I need to make it a little nicer. I will always say exactly what I think but I am sure there is a better way to do so.
• I will figure out who my real friends are and send the rest packing. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who don't give a damn and bring you down.
• I will go above and beyond to 'repay' my friends for being there for me 24-7 through this deployment. I will do whatever I can for them. I know I have been a difficult bitch but I am working on it, & they are still there behind me. I can't thank them enough.

I guess the thought of having something seriously wrong has scared me. I'm not broadcasting what the doctor told me on here of what he thinks it could be until I know for sure. It's sad it takes people to hit a scary spot in life before they wake up, but unfortunately that's reality. I want to do this. No matter what the outcome of my surgery may be. I want to better myself & my life. I want to be happy again.

Surgery?

So my doctor informed me yesterday he doesn't know what could be causing all my pain judging from symptoms I have & where the pain is located. So Wednesday, (I almost passed out when he said that) I am having a laproscopic surgery. Luckily it'll only be 2 or 3 really small incisions and it's a day surgery well depending on what he finds and what all he does. I am terrified though! The worst thing I've ever had done is have wisdom teeth cut out. I am a baby. hahaha. And I'm really bummed out that Jacob can't be here but oh well. Such is life. My mom can't come either because she has some new training for two weeks for work & the trainer is coming up from Louisiana.

Blah.. not much else to say.. debating running away to somewhere warm & tropical.

woo hoo.

Tomorrow, well in 30 minutes Jacob and I have been married 11 months. The best part is we still love each other & haven't murdered each other.. haha.

Today, Jacob has been gone 4 months. I'm glad/mad/sad. haha. I am glad that we are 4 months down, but I am mad there's 9 more months of this! I am incredibly sad that it's been this long without him. I haven't completely lost it, just come close.

I have a damn obgyn appointment on Friday yuck. But hopefully we can figure out what to do about all this pain, crossing my fingers it's not surgery. :( I dread it but I know I need to go.

My new job started Monday & so far I LOVEEEEEEEE it. So hopefully that will cheer me up & keep me busy!

Ah, all the random thoughts.. Oh yeah. Every month we get a little bit closer to homecoming & I get a little closer to peeing in my pants. The last month or so I am going to be insane!! haha. Is this normal behavior?


Well I think it's time for me to go to bed, clearly I am scatter brained and pooped. Judging by all the randomness.

should be doing something else..

I have a ton of things I should be doing, but I'm not. haha. I need to be going to my friend Bethanys and getting her hot rollers, I need to be doing laundry, I need to be figuring out what to wear, I need to call USAA and Hooters. haha. I'll explain the Hooters thing shortly. I need to not forget I have to pick Donnetta up at the airport @ 7:50 & figure out where this funeral home is.. Uh and it's raining.

About the Hooters thing. A group of us go every week. Last week we had a horrible waitress, she was a complete bitch! She messed everyone's orders up and even argued with some of us about what was ordered. We had to complain about her. So, I get my fried pickles, and pay my $5.45 bill, then I look at the bank account online, she added a 5 dollar tip! Crazy whore. She didn't get any tip from me, she wasn't worth spitting on. So I spoke with a manager and he found out it and saw that I wasn't crazy she really did that and turned it over to the General Manager. Still no word. I'm quite angry.


Tonight is the recieving of friends for a guy I went to high school with. It makes me sad thinking about it. I wasn't extremely close to him, I had a class with him he was halarious. I don't think he was ever not smiling and happy and making people around him glad to be around him. He will be missed greatly, I believe he touched a lot of peoples lifes. RIP Chris Duncan.


I don't think there's a whole lot more to say after that. I need to get busy and be productive. Say a little prayer for his family today, I can't imagine all the hurt they are experiencing.

How do you do it?

I am going to get a sign to wear daily that says I don't know how I do it..

If I get asked one more time 'how do you do it?' I might scream. I honestly have no clue how I do it. Usually I'm a smartass and say drugs and alcohol, so no true. I just feel like I'm going through the motions day in and day out and thats it. I do it because I have to do it. I know there is an end to this madness. What am I supposed to do hide under the bed until it's all over? I don't think so. I may let it get me down & miserable but I will not hide from it or give up. This is my life, it isn't ideal or perfect at the moment but it's our reality. It's any military wives reality. I get through it because I know tons of women do the same thing every day. I know I am not the only one missing my husband/best friend/hero. I dont have a clue how I do it some days, most days are just big blurs. I'm not some superhero fighting the bad guys. I am a wife this is my duty. I wait. If that's a super power then thats what mine is. I might not always be patient about it but I do it. I do it for my husband and I can't imagine a life without him.



I just noticed in 3 days it was exactly a year ago that Jacob proposed. :) and on November 29th we have been married a year. Short engagement but after 3.5 years together and the military we just went ahead with it. I was so shocked when he proposed. I assumed it was coming but that was not when I expected it. Oh it makes me smile. :) That story will be another post.

to sleep or not to sleep

Why don't I sleep anymore? Really. I've even gone as far as to try taking sleeping pills and it doesn't work. I'm constantly tired but my mind is going a million miles an hour. It's hopeless. When I do sleep I usually have a dream that involves Jacob and I wake up with a pounding heart. It is hell to be finally sleeping and then dream that your husband walks in somewhere. I would shit my pants. Pardon my language but it's true. He's snuck in on me in the night before and it terrifies me but is the best thing ever. Back to the don't know whether to hug him or slap him.. haha. Really. Once again, I CANNOT WAIT TO TACKLE HIM. Literally. I can just see it.


Back to the sleeping thing.. it is amazing to me how someone who used to sleep hours and take naps through the day no longer sleeps but a few hours. I watch what I drink and eat in the evenings so there's no caffeine or sugar rushes but still no sleep. Here I am typing away at 1:15 in the morning. I just sat and cried the other day because I am so tired. I can't imagine doing this if we had a child. I praise the women that do. I however am falling apart just me, I'd feel guilty if we had a baby and I wasn't functioning. It's okay to neglect myself but not a baby. I mean I get up and shower. It's not like I lay in my bed with Twinkies and dirty. But I do not function well. I AM SLEEPY. People say just lay down and rest. Okay, right. I even sleep/lay sideways accross the bed. Oh yes, it will be interesting when I have my bed buddy back. I have pillows and a bear stacked around me, blankets piled around me. I do whatever I can to make it seem like Jacob is in the bed with me but no hope. Rolling over to a fuzzy teddy bear is not like rolling over to my husband.

Any brilliant ideas on ways to get some sleep? I don't want to take sleeping pills. I tried, it didn't work. I don't want to have to 'count on them' to get me to sleep. Oh the rants & raves I have.. Bare with me, it's bound to look up sometime right? :/

On the up side..

So since I've started this I've been really negative, not on purpose just needed to get it all out. So onto some positive things..

• In a week, we are 4 months down with this deployment. Hallelujah. It feels like it's been forever. Last night I had a dream that he surprised me and I damn near lost it. haha. I absolutely can't wait to see him again.
• I keep saying that I'm going to get in better shape while he's gone, I haven't even started. But I somehow managed to lose like 7 lbs which is a start. Now I just need to get my ass in gear.. one day.
• I now have a newfound respect for 'girl time'. I love it. I just can't imagine giving it up and moving back to base. Don't get me wrong I can't wait to but my friends have been there. At least some of them. They don't understand and sometimes that frustrates me but almost always one is by my side. They have been there for me to cry and yell and laugh and I will never be able to thank them enough. They have no idea how much someone around takes the edge off things.
• I am fortunate to have a job I know times are hard right now and jobs are hard to come by. I can't help but think if they knew Jacob was deployed and that I won't be there for long that they wouldn't have hired me. Who knows though.

More about these friends. I can't imagine going through this without them. None of them have a clue but they try, some don't, but they try to understand and be there. I know girls that whine about their loves being gone a week or less and I want to shoot them. Really? Do they think I have sympathy? I don't. That may be me being a negative bitch again but I don't. Three days without a guy WILL NOT, I REPEAT WILL NOT HURT YOU! It's amazing to me. The friends I just knew would be there and support me haven't even once asked how things are or anything. And the people I expected to drift away from have stepped up big time. Shows how much I know. But thank you big time to all the girls that are there. For me to cry to, yell, cuss, scream, laugh, goof off, text randomly at 3 AM, force to eat ice cream, and hold me together when I'm not sure I can take it another day.

Random addition outburst, could get feisty. Why do people here like to tell me they know how I feel? This isn't a military town or even close. No one I know here is married to the military. NEWS FLASH, you don't have a clue what I feel on a day to day basis. There is no way. A lot of them wouldn't make it if they felt what I did daily. It makes me so mad. They think that because one night two years ago when so&so stayed at his buddies they can relate.. uh no. I can't touch my husband, I can't call him, I can see him, I can't smell him and cuddle up to him. You most certainly do not know how I feel. I could bitch slap people whining about a few days. I'd give my left foot for just that much time apart. Actually I'd give anything for that. Okay. Enough with this bitchiness ruining my positive post. haha.

taking my anger out on.. my car?

It's a wonder my car still moves some days. I take my anger out on it. Drive it like you stole it is definitely my philosophy when I'm mad. I know that's stupid but I can't help it. I got so mad the other day I kicked my car, guess who it hurt. Me, not the damn car. It didn't solve anything but make my foot hurt. I guess at least I'm not going around beating up people, which I have done. I need to find an outlet for my anger which I manage to have a lot of now. I told my friends we should join a kickboxing class or something & they laughed.. Really. It'd be a good workout, we could protect ourselves if we needed it and I could take my frustrations out. Then I said I was going to go to a range and shoot, that was even more funny to them. I've shot a gun before people. I'm not some delicate little girl. I will figure something out, except taking it out on my car. I need it until Jacob gets home at least.





I don't get why we all take our anger out on inappropriate things. Why not just say something to the moron that pissed us off? Or if it isn't a specific person why not have a strong drink and bitch about it to friends and get over it? I am so guilty of taking my anger out in all the wrong places, I am working on it. But I am a work in progress.

my love.

Why is it the person that holds you together is the person that makes you the maddest? I wonder this everytime we argue. He makes me so mad I think my eyes could pop out and my head explode but I absolutely love him with all my heart and can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I think we need to work on bitching at each other but then I realize it wouldn't be real if we didn't disagree. I agree to disagree. Then I also take the time to consider he's far away and neither of us understands really what they other is going through, luckily he's not in Iraq or Afghanistan, but he is still gone. Why does it sound like I'm a negative bitter person and I'm mean to my husband? I'm not. Yes sometimes I do bite his head off for things he can't control and I sometimes say all the wrong things but he does too. That's right he's not perfect either. Somedays we're so nice to each other and other days it's on. It blows my mind. Our main problem is we're both always right, what a coincidence. ha. Not to mention stubborn so this can lead to some interesting times.

Our current battle is living arrangements. I want our own place regardless of what it is at this point. I am desperate to be out of here. He wants to save up and pay off his truck and have a savings account built up for the future. I realize his points, I do. I would love for us to be rid of that truck payment, and we still can be all while saving my sanity. No the bank account won't be as big but I will be so much happier and I will drop it. He told me the other day that he had it worse than me and I needed to suck it up. Yeah right. Has he met my family? Has he forgotten what they can be like? I know he does have it worse living condition wise but he signed up for it. I did not. I wouldn't make it in the military and I know that. I support him 110%. We will figure it out.. Hopefully before I lose it.

Don't get me wrong. I love Jacob with all my heart. I can't wait to have him back home and with me. I've joked I don't know if I want to hug him or slap him when I see him again. But I know it will be me tackling him full force. And I can't wait for that.

i cut it off..

I turned my phone off last night for the first time ever since Jacobs been gone, I knew I wouldn't hear from him last night, maybe a email would pop up but no calls. I am glad I did. I was angry and frustrated and didn't want to be bothered, guess what I wasn't. When I woke up multiple times I didn't grab it to check it, I knew it was off. When I finally turned it on I had 2 voicemails and 7 text messages. Sometimes it's nice to be turned off. I know your thinking why not just put it on silent, because I didn't even want the messages and missed calls to pop up. I knew I would look at it so off it was.

Bottom line is some odd way it made me feel better, and that's what matters.

i found my first gray hair.

Really I did. Well I didn't but my friend Bethany did. (one of the good things I gained at private school) It wasn't long after Jacob left we were walking through Wal-Mart. It was one of those 'Morgan, don't move' moments. After laughing at me she yanked it out. I don't buy the whole for every one you yank out two come back in it's place. For all I know it was a really blonde hair from all my time spent in the sun at the lake.. yeah right. haha. I told one of my friends about this experience and since then she's called me an 'old witch'. Sometimes I can be, however I am not old. I completely blame the blonde/gray hair on Jacob. How else would a gray hair come to be in my dark brown thick long hair? Must be a man's fault.

I didn't mention we have kids. Furry kids that is. I don't know who Jacob will be happier to see when he gets back me or 'his dog' Trapper. Trapper is a beagle, Otis is a incredibly fluffy orange cat and Diesel is my husky/lab/rott mix. Trapper is a daddys boy, odd. Diesel is a momma's boy and Otis is torn in the middle. They are all ROTTEN. I am the only person I know that actually buy's cat treats. haha. He even comes running for them. Diesel clearly likes to dig in the mud considering 90% of the pictures I have of him, he has mud on his nose. Trapper is just a good boy. If you need someone to lay in the bed with you all day he's the one. And he goes absolutely insane when I walk in. That always can cheer someone up a little. Sometimes they are the only things that can make me smile or laugh. They are ridiculous.

This is what one of my days really is like..

I don't go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. One day this week it was 7:11 when I finally cut off the TV. I usually wake up around 8 or 9 if I am not working. I have been switching jobs so things have been hectic. I am a CNA, not a glamorous job but I know those people appreciate me, even if they are hateful that day. Days off I usually get up for a little bit then manage to take an hour or so long nap. Then I'm up and doing absolutely nothing. It's not like I have an apartment to keep up anymore so a lot of my time is spent doing absolutely nothing but staring into space or reading. I know I need a hobby or something but I just can't find it in me to get motivated. The colder and closer to the holidays it gets the more I want to hide under my covers. And I just might. My days are full of hurry up and wait. Somewhere between 7 & 8 PM I hear from Jacob, the highlight of my day. I know they say you aren't supposed to tell your husband things and stress him out but sometimes I just can't help it. I tell him everything and I can't just stop. And I always go to him with my problems and since I can't just talk to him when I want it all comes pouring out at once. I know it overwhelms him. I'm working on it. He would disagree with that but I really am trying.

Most days I fight with my family, also not good. My brother and I still fight like we're kids. Except now we hit a lot harder. We fist fight, have it out on each other every so often. But other than that we usually get along and don't confront each other a whole lot. My mom is irritating but I love her and I know I must get my inner bitch from somewhere! haha. She's stuck somewhere in the middle of all this and deep down I feel bad for her. We act like we're 12. One of us is.. my niece. My mom has custody of her because my sister made not so good choices and she isn't around. So my niece/little sister is a... BRAT. My mom overindulges her and blames it on feeling sorry for her and trying to make things right. I know I was/AM a spoiled brat. She and I fight like there's no tomorrow. She's constantly in my stuff and I can't stand it. I know where and how I leave things and I know when someones been in my things, especially when that someone walks by in my shirt.. I usually yell at her once a day for this. Don't get me wrong I love them all very much but I really can't stand them sometimes.

Right now I am focused on getting through today and making it to tomorrow. I have been 113 days without my husband. I am overwhelmed and worked up and stressed out and terrified and angry and sad and lonely and exhausted. However oddly greatful for the time I get to spend with my friends. Most days I get upset though because I feel like NO ONE gets it. They can't really none of my friends here have done this. My mom didn't do it, Jacobs mom didn't do it. No one that surrounds me daily has been in my shoes and for that I feel like they can't understand me so I try not to talk about my feelings. I really need to so that's what this is for. Oh yeah, add this to the about me. I absolutely can't stand when people who have no clue what it's like try to relate to me. News flash 4 days without your significant other is nothing to me. I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry. No really I'm not sorry because if any one person could feel all the things I feel on a day to day basis they wouldn't whine about that. Luckily I know a girl that can relate. I sound off to her, and she's the last person I ever imagined myself being 'friends' with.

Here goes..

So a friend suggested this to me and well here I am.. Here's my about me, if that's what you want to call it. I'm doing this to get 9078926376 things off my chest. My husband is deployed, not the dream I imagined myself in at 20 but nonetheless here I am. Let me say that better, I am living my dream with my husband, I couldn't ask for a better guy, there's just an obstacle we have to overcome at the moment. I feel like I've lost me somewhere in the shuffle and I'm just barely getting by on a day to day basis. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm here.

I am a bitch. There I said it. I can be the most selfish, rude, insensitive person EVER at times. It isn't because my husband is gone or some traumatic event and there's a fresh wound. I can be mean to anyone at any given time for all the wrong reasons. A lot of it is, I let things build and build then I snap on the most unsuspecting person because they asked me a question. I'd like to blame it on some specific event and some horrible person but I can't.

My childhood wasn't a fairytale but it wasn't a nightmare either. We never went without (food,clothes,toys,home) but my dad wasn't around. He was in prison/jail most of my life until I was 17 years old. Shitty time to try and be a part in someone's life. He's not a bad man, he just made bad choices and let alcohol and drugs run his life for a while. My mom did whatever she could to support us, all 3 of us. He's been clean for almost 4 years now, thank God. I dont know where I'd be today if it hadn't been for my mom and grandparents. Unfortunately my grandparents passed away too soon. They were amazing people. When I was 14 my mom decided to 'start over' after divorcing my dad and then losing my grandparents & aunt all within a year it was needed. I hated her for this. She packed things up, left most behind and moved to Knoxville. Little did I know I would appreciate it later. When I walked into the Knoxville High School I was to attend I almost died, or at least I thought I did. It was huge and I was terrified! I grew up in a really small town in Virginia and suddenly I'm in the 'city'. I can't even really remember what classes I had but I do remember geography and I do remember the annoying guy that sat beside me at one point, and is now my husband.

So on to him.. he's the half that makes me whole after all. I hated him. He annoyed me. I couldn't stand him. I had it in my mind that I was better than everyone at that school. So after a little more than half a semester I was free of him and that awful school. Somehow I managed to get my mom to let me go to a private school, ah the lessons I learned. Private school and uniforms aren't for a girl with no boundaries. But at the end of that year I walked into a fast food restaurant with my family and there was that annoying kid. I remember saying in my mind I hope he doesnt remember me. As we sat down to eat I remember my family laughing and saying that boy is staring at you. Ugh, I was SOOO not interested in him. After unsuccessfully trying to persuade someone to get me an icecream (my weakness) I found my way up to the counter.. He remembered me. Damn it. "Hey weren't you in my.." Yes I was. I walked away and didn't look back, for a few hours. That night I was on AIM, haha, and somehow he still had my screen name. Why I ever gave it to him I don't know. But he IM'd me.. and it was all over after that. So many dramatic high school breakups later I am his wife, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The annoying kid from geography is now my hero, a Gunnersmate in the Navy. I couldn't be more proud of him or to be his wife.

Onto this deployment thing.. Let me just say.. "Dear Deployment I Hate You!! (with a fiery burning passion)" In the last almost 4 months I have been kicking and screaming my way along. Literally. Ask anyone around me. I am sure there is a better way to approach this but I haven't figured it out. I am not some weak girl that thinks I can't live without my husband, I can and I am, that doesn't mean I have to like it though. Call me stupid, knowing he was in the military this is the last thing I expected, so soon. We had just got our apartment and I had been there maybe a month or two when he came in on April Fool's Day and told me he was going to be deployed. I remember thinking if this is some sick joke I will kill him. Unfortunately in June the 'sick joke' became my reality. Smacking me in the face full force. I didn't even have all the boxes unpacked before I was packing up and moving back to Knoxville, this is where the kicking and screaming starts. I DID NOT WANT TO. It was agreed somewhat that I would live with my mom to save money and be with family during this time. Shoot me. Even though I was only away for a few months coming back to mommy's SUCKED. And is still sucking I might add. There are circumstances I can't change and I am miserable. This has been the argument with Jacob and I. I know he wants to save up and pay his truck off while he is gone, but if he doesn't do something soon I'm going to lose my damn mind. Period.

Enough of this.