Here goes..

So a friend suggested this to me and well here I am.. Here's my about me, if that's what you want to call it. I'm doing this to get 9078926376 things off my chest. My husband is deployed, not the dream I imagined myself in at 20 but nonetheless here I am. Let me say that better, I am living my dream with my husband, I couldn't ask for a better guy, there's just an obstacle we have to overcome at the moment. I feel like I've lost me somewhere in the shuffle and I'm just barely getting by on a day to day basis. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm here.

I am a bitch. There I said it. I can be the most selfish, rude, insensitive person EVER at times. It isn't because my husband is gone or some traumatic event and there's a fresh wound. I can be mean to anyone at any given time for all the wrong reasons. A lot of it is, I let things build and build then I snap on the most unsuspecting person because they asked me a question. I'd like to blame it on some specific event and some horrible person but I can't.

My childhood wasn't a fairytale but it wasn't a nightmare either. We never went without (food,clothes,toys,home) but my dad wasn't around. He was in prison/jail most of my life until I was 17 years old. Shitty time to try and be a part in someone's life. He's not a bad man, he just made bad choices and let alcohol and drugs run his life for a while. My mom did whatever she could to support us, all 3 of us. He's been clean for almost 4 years now, thank God. I dont know where I'd be today if it hadn't been for my mom and grandparents. Unfortunately my grandparents passed away too soon. They were amazing people. When I was 14 my mom decided to 'start over' after divorcing my dad and then losing my grandparents & aunt all within a year it was needed. I hated her for this. She packed things up, left most behind and moved to Knoxville. Little did I know I would appreciate it later. When I walked into the Knoxville High School I was to attend I almost died, or at least I thought I did. It was huge and I was terrified! I grew up in a really small town in Virginia and suddenly I'm in the 'city'. I can't even really remember what classes I had but I do remember geography and I do remember the annoying guy that sat beside me at one point, and is now my husband.

So on to him.. he's the half that makes me whole after all. I hated him. He annoyed me. I couldn't stand him. I had it in my mind that I was better than everyone at that school. So after a little more than half a semester I was free of him and that awful school. Somehow I managed to get my mom to let me go to a private school, ah the lessons I learned. Private school and uniforms aren't for a girl with no boundaries. But at the end of that year I walked into a fast food restaurant with my family and there was that annoying kid. I remember saying in my mind I hope he doesnt remember me. As we sat down to eat I remember my family laughing and saying that boy is staring at you. Ugh, I was SOOO not interested in him. After unsuccessfully trying to persuade someone to get me an icecream (my weakness) I found my way up to the counter.. He remembered me. Damn it. "Hey weren't you in my.." Yes I was. I walked away and didn't look back, for a few hours. That night I was on AIM, haha, and somehow he still had my screen name. Why I ever gave it to him I don't know. But he IM'd me.. and it was all over after that. So many dramatic high school breakups later I am his wife, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The annoying kid from geography is now my hero, a Gunnersmate in the Navy. I couldn't be more proud of him or to be his wife.

Onto this deployment thing.. Let me just say.. "Dear Deployment I Hate You!! (with a fiery burning passion)" In the last almost 4 months I have been kicking and screaming my way along. Literally. Ask anyone around me. I am sure there is a better way to approach this but I haven't figured it out. I am not some weak girl that thinks I can't live without my husband, I can and I am, that doesn't mean I have to like it though. Call me stupid, knowing he was in the military this is the last thing I expected, so soon. We had just got our apartment and I had been there maybe a month or two when he came in on April Fool's Day and told me he was going to be deployed. I remember thinking if this is some sick joke I will kill him. Unfortunately in June the 'sick joke' became my reality. Smacking me in the face full force. I didn't even have all the boxes unpacked before I was packing up and moving back to Knoxville, this is where the kicking and screaming starts. I DID NOT WANT TO. It was agreed somewhat that I would live with my mom to save money and be with family during this time. Shoot me. Even though I was only away for a few months coming back to mommy's SUCKED. And is still sucking I might add. There are circumstances I can't change and I am miserable. This has been the argument with Jacob and I. I know he wants to save up and pay his truck off while he is gone, but if he doesn't do something soon I'm going to lose my damn mind. Period.

Enough of this.