to sleep or not to sleep

Why don't I sleep anymore? Really. I've even gone as far as to try taking sleeping pills and it doesn't work. I'm constantly tired but my mind is going a million miles an hour. It's hopeless. When I do sleep I usually have a dream that involves Jacob and I wake up with a pounding heart. It is hell to be finally sleeping and then dream that your husband walks in somewhere. I would shit my pants. Pardon my language but it's true. He's snuck in on me in the night before and it terrifies me but is the best thing ever. Back to the don't know whether to hug him or slap him.. haha. Really. Once again, I CANNOT WAIT TO TACKLE HIM. Literally. I can just see it.


Back to the sleeping thing.. it is amazing to me how someone who used to sleep hours and take naps through the day no longer sleeps but a few hours. I watch what I drink and eat in the evenings so there's no caffeine or sugar rushes but still no sleep. Here I am typing away at 1:15 in the morning. I just sat and cried the other day because I am so tired. I can't imagine doing this if we had a child. I praise the women that do. I however am falling apart just me, I'd feel guilty if we had a baby and I wasn't functioning. It's okay to neglect myself but not a baby. I mean I get up and shower. It's not like I lay in my bed with Twinkies and dirty. But I do not function well. I AM SLEEPY. People say just lay down and rest. Okay, right. I even sleep/lay sideways accross the bed. Oh yes, it will be interesting when I have my bed buddy back. I have pillows and a bear stacked around me, blankets piled around me. I do whatever I can to make it seem like Jacob is in the bed with me but no hope. Rolling over to a fuzzy teddy bear is not like rolling over to my husband.

Any brilliant ideas on ways to get some sleep? I don't want to take sleeping pills. I tried, it didn't work. I don't want to have to 'count on them' to get me to sleep. Oh the rants & raves I have.. Bare with me, it's bound to look up sometime right? :/