This is what one of my days really is like..

I don't go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. One day this week it was 7:11 when I finally cut off the TV. I usually wake up around 8 or 9 if I am not working. I have been switching jobs so things have been hectic. I am a CNA, not a glamorous job but I know those people appreciate me, even if they are hateful that day. Days off I usually get up for a little bit then manage to take an hour or so long nap. Then I'm up and doing absolutely nothing. It's not like I have an apartment to keep up anymore so a lot of my time is spent doing absolutely nothing but staring into space or reading. I know I need a hobby or something but I just can't find it in me to get motivated. The colder and closer to the holidays it gets the more I want to hide under my covers. And I just might. My days are full of hurry up and wait. Somewhere between 7 & 8 PM I hear from Jacob, the highlight of my day. I know they say you aren't supposed to tell your husband things and stress him out but sometimes I just can't help it. I tell him everything and I can't just stop. And I always go to him with my problems and since I can't just talk to him when I want it all comes pouring out at once. I know it overwhelms him. I'm working on it. He would disagree with that but I really am trying.

Most days I fight with my family, also not good. My brother and I still fight like we're kids. Except now we hit a lot harder. We fist fight, have it out on each other every so often. But other than that we usually get along and don't confront each other a whole lot. My mom is irritating but I love her and I know I must get my inner bitch from somewhere! haha. She's stuck somewhere in the middle of all this and deep down I feel bad for her. We act like we're 12. One of us is.. my niece. My mom has custody of her because my sister made not so good choices and she isn't around. So my niece/little sister is a... BRAT. My mom overindulges her and blames it on feeling sorry for her and trying to make things right. I know I was/AM a spoiled brat. She and I fight like there's no tomorrow. She's constantly in my stuff and I can't stand it. I know where and how I leave things and I know when someones been in my things, especially when that someone walks by in my shirt.. I usually yell at her once a day for this. Don't get me wrong I love them all very much but I really can't stand them sometimes.

Right now I am focused on getting through today and making it to tomorrow. I have been 113 days without my husband. I am overwhelmed and worked up and stressed out and terrified and angry and sad and lonely and exhausted. However oddly greatful for the time I get to spend with my friends. Most days I get upset though because I feel like NO ONE gets it. They can't really none of my friends here have done this. My mom didn't do it, Jacobs mom didn't do it. No one that surrounds me daily has been in my shoes and for that I feel like they can't understand me so I try not to talk about my feelings. I really need to so that's what this is for. Oh yeah, add this to the about me. I absolutely can't stand when people who have no clue what it's like try to relate to me. News flash 4 days without your significant other is nothing to me. I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry. No really I'm not sorry because if any one person could feel all the things I feel on a day to day basis they wouldn't whine about that. Luckily I know a girl that can relate. I sound off to her, and she's the last person I ever imagined myself being 'friends' with.