“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

One day I'm going to learn to control my temper, and watch my mouth. When that day comes, hell will probably be freezing. I get it from my father mostly. With a little extra dab from my mother. haha. I can turn on you in the blink of an eye and have you chewed up and spit out before either of us realizes it. ... My husband is the same way. We're both hot headed little brats. Used to getting our way. I can admit it, he cant. So it has made for some interesting arguments. You walk away trying to catch your breath and remember what just happened. I unfortunately, got my panties in a HUGE WAD the other day and let him have it. Really for no certain reason other than hurt and frustration. I said things I shouldn't have said, but I'm a little glad they got out. So by the time I had come down off my steroids, he was fired up and I just wanted to get along. Never works quite that way. So this morning he sends me a nice message and it gets me all fired up again. "..sorry for being an ass the other day.." I wanted to say really jackass, glad you wokeup. But I didn't, and I didn't let my hands get to typing something shitty in response. I followed the rule we all learn quite young. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. It was about 3 hours ago that I got this message and I'm still trying to decide what to say, if anything at all. I'm learning.

I know people in the military go through this everyday. And it really ticks me off that we let things get so out of hand, we are about to be another statistic. I'm trying like hell to hold on, but it takes two. I'm prepared to walk away, but I really don't want to have to. I know how we are when we are together & we are unstoppable. We've been thru a lot together, and always have managed to keep our heads above water even through the ugliest storms.

"..well thats what we do, we fight. you tell me when i'm being

an arrogant son of a bitch & i tell you when your a pain in

the ass. which you are, 99% of the time. i'm not afraid to hurt

your feelings. you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your

back doing the next pain in the ass thing."

"so it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. we're gonna have to work

at this everyday. but i want to do that, because i want you, all of you. forever, you and me

everyday. will you do something for me please? 30 years from now, 40 years

from now? whats it look like? if its with him then go, i lost you once, i think i can do it

again. if i thought it's really what you wanted. but don't take the easy way out"

not only do i love the notebook. but i love quotes and lyrics and such as well. i replied.. but all i replied with was why? i like explanations and i want to see what he comes with. it might require another 3 hour wait for a response or it might take a day or two. we shall see..

...

i wish i could say something positive. unfortunately i can't. too far to repair i do believe.

update soon..

right here waiting for you..

so as i usually do. i've come to eat my words. i regret telling jacob i wanted to go home to virginia. i regret the cruel things i've said out of anger. i regret the way i acted to him. and now he's the one lashing out and i'm the one with the puzzled look on my face..

i told him i felt like we needed to wait till he gets home. it's less than 2 months. i feel like we owe it to ourselves. we've overcome every other battle. and the end of this deployment is weighing on us. yes i am still frustrated and hurt but i am willing to take on anything to save my marriage. however, he's not having it. we have argued a lot this past year. neither of us understands what the other is going thru. he has no idea how much has changed for me, and i have no idea what has changed for him. he is really hurt and angry over things i said in a big mouth redneck rage. (acting like my 'father') i regret it, but i can't change it. i can just hope sometime between now and then he sees how sorry i am, and how much i do love him. even through the obstacles. i have faith in my marriage. and i have more love for my husband than anything or anyone. i just hope it isn't too late, i'm afraid it is.

say a little prayer for me, and say a little prayer for him to forgive. we have a long way to go if he's willing to, but i can quarantee our love is worth it. we've always made it through the tough stuff. and i don't want to stop now.

i know i've been mistaken,

but just give me a break and see the changes i have made

i've got some imperfections,

but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face.

....

i found what i need in you

why can't you just forgive me?

i dont want to relive all the mistakes i've made along the way