be there.

how do you support someone/something you think is a crock of shit? reallllly.



i know someone who while at work on night shift she sneaks out for some hanky panky in the parking lot. yet she wants a 2nd job, and me as a reference and me to see if where i work is hiring. yeah right. dream on.



or maybe the girl who is about to marry someone in the military and we all know how she is and she wants our love and support. how do you stand back and watch this guy marry her, probably because he knocked her up within a month of dating, but you know the kind of girl she is. is it even his baby? and we all know shes going to cheat on him. she probably already has 9841652457 times.



or the person whos carelessly diving blind into something without thinking twice.



better yet how do you step up and say you know what i don't agree with this, support it, stand behind you or whatever. you certainly don't want to hurt any feelings but being honest is going to hurt feelings. but im tired of smiling and biting my tongue. maybe that makes me a bad friend, or maybe that makes me a good friend because i don't want to see you make idiotic choices. 99% of people would stand back and smile and fake being supportive but i'm not going to. that isn't who i am. no need to bullshit. you need to hear the truth.



to person #1 - your being a whore. a dirty whore. if i knew a way to let your boss know what was going on i would. if you want to get paid while having sex become a prostitute.



to person #2 - i do believe the text said "husband got more money once you all were married right?" GOLD DIGGER. if your marrying for money marrying someone that just went in to the military is not where you need to go. please ask yourself is this really this mans baby? i do believe the military will test since you were pregnant before the wedding. think wisely. can i really give up having a new boyfriend monthly to being somoenes wife, someone whos gone more than they are home? didn't think so..

person #3 you just need to wake up and smell the roses.

To cry or not to cry.

Sometimes I have to remind myself it's okay to cry. Then I still fight back tears. It's a battle I'm constantly fighting with myself. To cry or not to cry.

Tonight I was with a friend looking at wedding invitations. That itself made me a little teary. Then somehow the lady who was helping us someone got on the topic of babies and her sister just having one & being in the Navy. So of course it gets brought up that my husbands in the navy, so on come the questions. I'm proud of him and I love to 'brag' about him but geeeeeeeze. If I look away from you and blink erratically, I am about to cry, enough with the questions!

I always come close to crying at the worst times, like tonight in party city. Sometimes I can't stop it though and I just cry. If I see someone in uniform, I can feel the tears coming. And there's no stopping them then. I don't know what I'd do without my friends comforting me in a restaraunt, at 3 AM, in the middle of a movie. Anywhere and everywhere I need them, they are there. Sometimes I see the tears come to their eyes too. Its wonderful knowing I have friends who literally, cry when I cry.

So right now, I'm crying. And it's perfectly appropriate. The cat and dog already think I'm crazy so if I'm crying they just snuggle a little closer and let me. They don't ask questions. I'm in my pajamas. I'd be watching a mushy movie if there was a good one on. And YES there would be ice cream and cookie dough involved if there was any. But who wants to put on their bra to go to the store. hahaha. So my chocolate milk will have to work.

Less than 100 days to go now, and at this point 100 days seems like nothing. I can't wait to see my husband. I can't wait for him to see our house for the first time. I can't wait for him to wrap his arms around me and swear it will all be okay. But I know as soon as that comes, another deployment will come too sooner or later. Unfortunately right now it's loooking pretty soon. So I will grin and bear it and fight the battle of to cry or not to cry all over again.

...

is it incredibly insane that i'm terrified to be alone in this house at night? every little noise makes me come out of my skin and replay every horror movie i've ever seen. haha. my mom said the animals will wake you up if someone comes in. bullshit. they might wake me up by trying to dive under me and hide. it's not like its in a bad area or in the middle of nowhere. ahhh. i'll just keep leaving lights on until the electric bill comes. haha.

i spent alllllll day at the pool. amazing.

i want to really start decorating my bedroom. husband swears we're getting a new bedroom set when he comes home, but i don't want to wait that long. men. ugh. hahaha. but i don't want him to miss out on anything else either.

i think i'm done rambling for now.

"In dreams and in love nothing is impossible"

april 1st of last year is the day jacob told me he was being deployed. i thought it was his sick version of a april fool's joke. i vividly remember cussing him and telling him he WAS NOT funny, and certain body parts would be removed if he was joking.

at that point we didn't know where he was going, or for how long, or when. i was a wreck. my friend said to me the other day i remember you calling me balling to tell me he was leaving. i'm sure everyone remembers that. i KNEW it was coming, but i don't think anything can prepare you for it. almost 3 months came and went very quickly and there i was standing in a strange airport, 8 hours from home all alone. i thought about sitting there because i couldn't just put one foot in front of the other. i thought about chasing him, knowing security would take me out. other than that my mind was blank. what the hell was i supposed to do now? i made my way to my car, called people who didn't answer and when someone did all i could do was sob. i got to the hotel, by this point all our things we're moved back to knoxville and we had been staying in a hotel his last few days. it was a feeling i had never felt in my life, and never wanted to have to feel. i wanted to hide in the hotel room and not make the 8 hour drive back home the next morning. but i knew i needed someone. that was the longest 8 hours ever by the way.

at first i didn't think life would go on. it took me a month to get motivated to go find a job and actually do something with myself. it took a long time. a really long time for me to see that life most certainly was going on and i was okay. i turned around and nearly 10 months have gone by. it's nothing now. ((most days)) but today is one of those days that it completely and totally sucks ass.

i went to my cousins wedding today, it's hard to believe almost a year and a half ago i said those vows and took on my role as a sailor's wife. it really reminded me how much i love jacob. even through the bullshit. like the stupid idiotic fights and mood swings a deployment can make ten million times worse. i can't imagine my life without him. and i can't imagine our life any other way. then walking through the store tonight i was cussing inside my head, how the hell do you cook for one person? i'm not eating hamburger helper for 5 days or a sandwich every night. it really aggrivated the hell out of me. so i decided after i got my blood pressure nice and high. to just say FUCK IT. haha. ahh, yes one of those moods. [[PS i randomly started a period right at the end of the ceremony today, thank god for being nuts and taking extra clothes & underwear, and having tampons. haha]] so here's to you aunt flo, for coming on the worst day. i blame you for making me miss my husband even more, and for my temper tantrum in my head at the grocery store.

did i mention i'm still bitter about the in law thing too? ....

out-laws.. i mean in-laws. maybe.

is there just some law that no matter how well you got along before the marriage and/or engagement as soon as vows are said it turns into a war? why didn't i get this memo?

my dear mil, sometimes is like a snake in the grass waiting to jump out and bite you. she will turn on you in the blink of an eye. even had the nerve to tell my husband that i havent included her in anything having to do with us moving into our home. BULLSHIT! she was invited to the housewarming party, she knew the exact date and time i was closing and that i was moving in that night, shes been invited to dinner here. there's always some story, and reason. i avoided her ONE DAY because she was trying to give us some gross furniture from her new boyfriends apartment. no thank you. he's a smoker, we arent. he's been a single man. see the problems? haha. she even got handed a key to our house, against my better judgement. she might see a side of us she never wanted to see when husband comes home. ;) use your key wisely.

on top of all this moving drama. which was quite an event anyway. she informs me that we (her, her new bf, & i) are all going together to get husband when he returns and spend sometime there on the beach. HOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLD the hell on. I am the one that has been deprived for over a year at that point. husband isn't meeting his new 'father' the day he gets home from a 13-14 month long deployment. he's meeting his wife, and a bed. and we don't want to spend time on the beach, the man wants to come see his house that he has never seen except for my crappy pictures off my cell phone that he gets. i'm going alone to get him, period end of story. i got my way for his r&r, i will get my way again. he's learning to walk a fine line between wife & mommy.

the best part is, we used to be really close. now i want to scream if i have to talk to her or go over there. i think partly because she has lost her mind when it comes to men. she did move this man in like a week after their first date. and she is trying to jump in my marriage. i married my husband, not her too. anytime we fight, its like she smells it and makes a bad situation worse by pissing us both off, jumping in it. maybe it all seems like evil torture methods and shes really just trying to be nice. but if this is nice i dont want any part of it. i would have never imagined it coming to this oh but here it is, the oh so common in law war.