"the fool in him that walked out, is the fool that just won't ask"

I'm sure your wondering just what i'm up to..

well I left TN. I packed up and left in a matter of a few days. Do I regret it? no.. not regret, do i wish i had calmed down a little bit more before i did it.. yes. I'm happy. I'm having the time of my life catching up with old friends, turning 21, and being an independent woman for the first time ever. But I miss the hell out of my husband, he is still my husband. He's home from his deployment, he was due home on my 21st birthday. That was a very trying day. I cried that day, for the first time since I left TN. I had not imagined a year ago today, I'd be where I am today. I want to see him, crazy I know. I guess out of sight, out of mind applies. But out of country, out of mind? Maybe. Who knows what I was thinking. I'm still mad, and no I don't think things would be any different if I had stayed. But a girl can and will wonder.

Text just sent. "I miss you. More than I thought I would, and I'm tired of denying it."

Guts or stupidity, who knows. One thing I've always been is honest, even when it hurts. Even when I don't like admitting it. I asked him to stop by on his way back to his base after his leave. He agreed to shockingly enough, but do I really want to go there. I might walk away with more questions and doubts than I walked in with. And I really don't need that. Honestly I do have a few of his things that somehow got mixed in with mine and I do need to give them to them. But I don't know if I am capable of that.

I was fine, until I knew he was home. And now I just wonder how it felt to him to come home and me not be there. He practically walked into an empty house, he'd never seen except for my pictures. Maybe I should quit thinking and debating and let it go. I chose this, and I am happy. For the most part. We shall see.

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

One day I'm going to learn to control my temper, and watch my mouth. When that day comes, hell will probably be freezing. I get it from my father mostly. With a little extra dab from my mother. haha. I can turn on you in the blink of an eye and have you chewed up and spit out before either of us realizes it. ... My husband is the same way. We're both hot headed little brats. Used to getting our way. I can admit it, he cant. So it has made for some interesting arguments. You walk away trying to catch your breath and remember what just happened. I unfortunately, got my panties in a HUGE WAD the other day and let him have it. Really for no certain reason other than hurt and frustration. I said things I shouldn't have said, but I'm a little glad they got out. So by the time I had come down off my steroids, he was fired up and I just wanted to get along. Never works quite that way. So this morning he sends me a nice message and it gets me all fired up again. "..sorry for being an ass the other day.." I wanted to say really jackass, glad you wokeup. But I didn't, and I didn't let my hands get to typing something shitty in response. I followed the rule we all learn quite young. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. It was about 3 hours ago that I got this message and I'm still trying to decide what to say, if anything at all. I'm learning.

I know people in the military go through this everyday. And it really ticks me off that we let things get so out of hand, we are about to be another statistic. I'm trying like hell to hold on, but it takes two. I'm prepared to walk away, but I really don't want to have to. I know how we are when we are together & we are unstoppable. We've been thru a lot together, and always have managed to keep our heads above water even through the ugliest storms.

"..well thats what we do, we fight. you tell me when i'm being

an arrogant son of a bitch & i tell you when your a pain in

the ass. which you are, 99% of the time. i'm not afraid to hurt

your feelings. you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your

back doing the next pain in the ass thing."

"so it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. we're gonna have to work

at this everyday. but i want to do that, because i want you, all of you. forever, you and me

everyday. will you do something for me please? 30 years from now, 40 years

from now? whats it look like? if its with him then go, i lost you once, i think i can do it

again. if i thought it's really what you wanted. but don't take the easy way out"

not only do i love the notebook. but i love quotes and lyrics and such as well. i replied.. but all i replied with was why? i like explanations and i want to see what he comes with. it might require another 3 hour wait for a response or it might take a day or two. we shall see..

...

i wish i could say something positive. unfortunately i can't. too far to repair i do believe.

update soon..

right here waiting for you..

so as i usually do. i've come to eat my words. i regret telling jacob i wanted to go home to virginia. i regret the cruel things i've said out of anger. i regret the way i acted to him. and now he's the one lashing out and i'm the one with the puzzled look on my face..

i told him i felt like we needed to wait till he gets home. it's less than 2 months. i feel like we owe it to ourselves. we've overcome every other battle. and the end of this deployment is weighing on us. yes i am still frustrated and hurt but i am willing to take on anything to save my marriage. however, he's not having it. we have argued a lot this past year. neither of us understands what the other is going thru. he has no idea how much has changed for me, and i have no idea what has changed for him. he is really hurt and angry over things i said in a big mouth redneck rage. (acting like my 'father') i regret it, but i can't change it. i can just hope sometime between now and then he sees how sorry i am, and how much i do love him. even through the obstacles. i have faith in my marriage. and i have more love for my husband than anything or anyone. i just hope it isn't too late, i'm afraid it is.

say a little prayer for me, and say a little prayer for him to forgive. we have a long way to go if he's willing to, but i can quarantee our love is worth it. we've always made it through the tough stuff. and i don't want to stop now.

i know i've been mistaken,

but just give me a break and see the changes i have made

i've got some imperfections,

but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face.

....

i found what i need in you

why can't you just forgive me?

i dont want to relive all the mistakes i've made along the way

day by day.

One of my friends looked me dead in the eyes the other day, and said "does it hurt at all?" after I picked my mouth off the ground, I said of course it does, just because I'm not walking around crying doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I cry in my own private time, I'm sad it came to this. But I'm not going to curl up in a ball and die. Regardless of any situation, life goes on. I'm terrified to start a life without him, but I'm also looking forward to the future. Sometime's in life, love isn't enough and I realize that. You can't force two people to get along, and make it work.

From what I've seen from his facebook updates and such, he's doing just fine. I hope he is, I hope he's happy. I haven't really talked to him. I don't have too much to say really. Part of me is a little angry with him so it's probably best I stay quiet. I'm trying to work that out on my own. His mom keeps telling me we need to talk in person, but neither of us have any desire too. We let it go too far, before we really said anything. Too much has been done, and said and it's too late now. I know my feelings aren't what they used to be, I'm sure he feels the same. The same friend that asked if it hurt, also said can't you just make it work? No, you can't compromise each others happiness and wants to make everyone else happy. We're very different people. Somewhere between 15 and now we changed, duh, anyone would.

Maybe that makes me a huge bitch because I'm not willing to fight like I used to, oh well. Before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. People act so shocked because I never said what I was thinking or feeling, but I like to work my battles out on my own. I don't need your advice, because when it comes to Jacob, I'm not going to listen. I've never listened to anyone about us. I've always basically told people to kiss my ass, I was going to love him and be with him come hell or high water, and I did/do. But things change..

All I know is, I'm taking things day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes I have to walk away and fight back some tears, but I'm doing it. It's crazy to think how it goes from good to gone, how two people who were once inseperable are now complete strangers..

what do you say in a moment like this?

well.



last you knew all was well in the world for me.



wrong.



not that i havent ever meant every good thing ive ever said about my husband and my marriage, unfortunately we have agreed to part ways. i know i know, i just wrote about how much i loved him and would do whatever it took to make it. and, ive tried. however, it's just not working for us. i have no doubt we love each other, but we suck as a married couple. not just we have arguments and get over it. we rip each other new ones and have come to realize we are now two completely different people. we want different things and there's no way to find the happy medium. i don't even like the state we live in, i want to go home to Virginia. and the first person who says it's deployment stress will get choked by me. we don't have the same idea's on what is and isn't okay in a marriage. after some pretty harsh months, i realized that life is too short. i don't know what will come of this. but i hope one day we can be the friends we used to be, and we both get everything we want and deserve.

i'm incredibly sad. but i've also got goals and plans and i'm not letting anything hold me back. i will always love jacob in some way and it hurts that something i've fought so hard for fell thru my hands like sand. the hardest part was after i told him, he never fought me. he didn't say don't go, he said it sounds like your minds made up. i guess that was the icing on the cake. one of my battles with him is i dont feel like he gives a damn, and i know he's in a shitty place and stressed out but when he has internet access and i see him get on facebook but never check on me it gets to you, and not because we'd be fighting but because he didn't choose to. he doesn't realize he's fighting his battle, but i've fought a completely different one with many things since he's been gone. he constantly tells me i have my friends but if you saw his pictures and status' and such you'd see he isn't doing so bad, it could be WAY worse. i don't blame him though, i've changed. i am not the girl he left behind in june, i am a young woman who knows what she will and will not tolerate, and exactly what she wants in her marriage.

I don't know what more to say really. It's shocked a lot of people, but a lot of people didn't know the true story either. I hope we can both find peace with our decision.

be there.

how do you support someone/something you think is a crock of shit? reallllly.



i know someone who while at work on night shift she sneaks out for some hanky panky in the parking lot. yet she wants a 2nd job, and me as a reference and me to see if where i work is hiring. yeah right. dream on.



or maybe the girl who is about to marry someone in the military and we all know how she is and she wants our love and support. how do you stand back and watch this guy marry her, probably because he knocked her up within a month of dating, but you know the kind of girl she is. is it even his baby? and we all know shes going to cheat on him. she probably already has 9841652457 times.



or the person whos carelessly diving blind into something without thinking twice.



better yet how do you step up and say you know what i don't agree with this, support it, stand behind you or whatever. you certainly don't want to hurt any feelings but being honest is going to hurt feelings. but im tired of smiling and biting my tongue. maybe that makes me a bad friend, or maybe that makes me a good friend because i don't want to see you make idiotic choices. 99% of people would stand back and smile and fake being supportive but i'm not going to. that isn't who i am. no need to bullshit. you need to hear the truth.



to person #1 - your being a whore. a dirty whore. if i knew a way to let your boss know what was going on i would. if you want to get paid while having sex become a prostitute.



to person #2 - i do believe the text said "husband got more money once you all were married right?" GOLD DIGGER. if your marrying for money marrying someone that just went in to the military is not where you need to go. please ask yourself is this really this mans baby? i do believe the military will test since you were pregnant before the wedding. think wisely. can i really give up having a new boyfriend monthly to being somoenes wife, someone whos gone more than they are home? didn't think so..

person #3 you just need to wake up and smell the roses.