One of my friends looked me dead in the eyes the other day, and said "does it hurt at all?" after I picked my mouth off the ground, I said of course it does, just because I'm not walking around crying doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I cry in my own private time, I'm sad it came to this. But I'm not going to curl up in a ball and die. Regardless of any situation, life goes on. I'm terrified to start a life without him, but I'm also looking forward to the future. Sometime's in life, love isn't enough and I realize that. You can't force two people to get along, and make it work.
From what I've seen from his facebook updates and such, he's doing just fine. I hope he is, I hope he's happy. I haven't really talked to him. I don't have too much to say really. Part of me is a little angry with him so it's probably best I stay quiet. I'm trying to work that out on my own. His mom keeps telling me we need to talk in person, but neither of us have any desire too. We let it go too far, before we really said anything. Too much has been done, and said and it's too late now. I know my feelings aren't what they used to be, I'm sure he feels the same. The same friend that asked if it hurt, also said can't you just make it work? No, you can't compromise each others happiness and wants to make everyone else happy. We're very different people. Somewhere between 15 and now we changed, duh, anyone would.
Maybe that makes me a huge bitch because I'm not willing to fight like I used to, oh well. Before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. People act so shocked because I never said what I was thinking or feeling, but I like to work my battles out on my own. I don't need your advice, because when it comes to Jacob, I'm not going to listen. I've never listened to anyone about us. I've always basically told people to kiss my ass, I was going to love him and be with him come hell or high water, and I did/do. But things change..
All I know is, I'm taking things day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes I have to walk away and fight back some tears, but I'm doing it. It's crazy to think how it goes from good to gone, how two people who were once inseperable are now complete strangers..
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
what do you say in a moment like this?
well.
last you knew all was well in the world for me.
wrong.
not that i havent ever meant every good thing ive ever said about my husband and my marriage, unfortunately we have agreed to part ways. i know i know, i just wrote about how much i loved him and would do whatever it took to make it. and, ive tried. however, it's just not working for us. i have no doubt we love each other, but we suck as a married couple. not just we have arguments and get over it. we rip each other new ones and have come to realize we are now two completely different people. we want different things and there's no way to find the happy medium. i don't even like the state we live in, i want to go home to Virginia. and the first person who says it's deployment stress will get choked by me. we don't have the same idea's on what is and isn't okay in a marriage. after some pretty harsh months, i realized that life is too short. i don't know what will come of this. but i hope one day we can be the friends we used to be, and we both get everything we want and deserve.
i'm incredibly sad. but i've also got goals and plans and i'm not letting anything hold me back. i will always love jacob in some way and it hurts that something i've fought so hard for fell thru my hands like sand. the hardest part was after i told him, he never fought me. he didn't say don't go, he said it sounds like your minds made up. i guess that was the icing on the cake. one of my battles with him is i dont feel like he gives a damn, and i know he's in a shitty place and stressed out but when he has internet access and i see him get on facebook but never check on me it gets to you, and not because we'd be fighting but because he didn't choose to. he doesn't realize he's fighting his battle, but i've fought a completely different one with many things since he's been gone. he constantly tells me i have my friends but if you saw his pictures and status' and such you'd see he isn't doing so bad, it could be WAY worse. i don't blame him though, i've changed. i am not the girl he left behind in june, i am a young woman who knows what she will and will not tolerate, and exactly what she wants in her marriage.
I don't know what more to say really. It's shocked a lot of people, but a lot of people didn't know the true story either. I hope we can both find peace with our decision.
last you knew all was well in the world for me.
wrong.
not that i havent ever meant every good thing ive ever said about my husband and my marriage, unfortunately we have agreed to part ways. i know i know, i just wrote about how much i loved him and would do whatever it took to make it. and, ive tried. however, it's just not working for us. i have no doubt we love each other, but we suck as a married couple. not just we have arguments and get over it. we rip each other new ones and have come to realize we are now two completely different people. we want different things and there's no way to find the happy medium. i don't even like the state we live in, i want to go home to Virginia. and the first person who says it's deployment stress will get choked by me. we don't have the same idea's on what is and isn't okay in a marriage. after some pretty harsh months, i realized that life is too short. i don't know what will come of this. but i hope one day we can be the friends we used to be, and we both get everything we want and deserve.
i'm incredibly sad. but i've also got goals and plans and i'm not letting anything hold me back. i will always love jacob in some way and it hurts that something i've fought so hard for fell thru my hands like sand. the hardest part was after i told him, he never fought me. he didn't say don't go, he said it sounds like your minds made up. i guess that was the icing on the cake. one of my battles with him is i dont feel like he gives a damn, and i know he's in a shitty place and stressed out but when he has internet access and i see him get on facebook but never check on me it gets to you, and not because we'd be fighting but because he didn't choose to. he doesn't realize he's fighting his battle, but i've fought a completely different one with many things since he's been gone. he constantly tells me i have my friends but if you saw his pictures and status' and such you'd see he isn't doing so bad, it could be WAY worse. i don't blame him though, i've changed. i am not the girl he left behind in june, i am a young woman who knows what she will and will not tolerate, and exactly what she wants in her marriage.
I don't know what more to say really. It's shocked a lot of people, but a lot of people didn't know the true story either. I hope we can both find peace with our decision.
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