my "to-do's"

I've been thinking on overdrive a lot the past few days and have come to many conclusions..

• I want to get better. I want to know what causes this pain I have and fix it, no matter what it takes.
• I want to go back to school, not exactly sure what for yet but I know I want to go. Jacob informed of some sort of tuition credit for spouses of IA service members so I want to look into that and hopefully get some of the basic things over with starting in January. I have narrowed my choices down to a few..
• I want to find me again. Somewhere in all this madness I feel like I have lost me. I dont know who I am anymore. It's almost like I'm an outsider looking in. I see all this but wonder is this really me?
• I want to figure out how in the hell you communicate with your deployed spouse. I am tired of nit-picking and bickering over stupid shit. I know I need to learn to edit what I say a little better, sometimes things I say come out completely wrong. I'm only human. I will not let this deployment get the best of me or him. We will make it. And I will one day learn how to handle it as best as possible.
• I want to get back in church. If I dont have faith, what do I have?
• I want to learn to be nicer. I swear I constantly have diarrhea of the mouth. It's like I can't control it. I will keep being blunt and honest but I need to make it a little nicer. I will always say exactly what I think but I am sure there is a better way to do so.
• I will figure out who my real friends are and send the rest packing. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who don't give a damn and bring you down.
• I will go above and beyond to 'repay' my friends for being there for me 24-7 through this deployment. I will do whatever I can for them. I know I have been a difficult bitch but I am working on it, & they are still there behind me. I can't thank them enough.

I guess the thought of having something seriously wrong has scared me. I'm not broadcasting what the doctor told me on here of what he thinks it could be until I know for sure. It's sad it takes people to hit a scary spot in life before they wake up, but unfortunately that's reality. I want to do this. No matter what the outcome of my surgery may be. I want to better myself & my life. I want to be happy again.