no title.

tomorrow is my follow up appointment for that dear tumor the ER doctor identified. i'm seriously considering shitting my pants. forgive the language. my aunt died from cancer, hers was a retroperitoneal sarcoma. and apparently it's hard to diagnose and it's often in later stages, which scared me even more. so much for reading up on my family history. i'm trying to be positive and believe that the ER doc was right, and it's just a fibroid tumor. buttttt knowing cancer is common in my family, in my immediate family i can't help but be a little worried. i have endometriosis, isn't that enough punishment for now? i'm only 20, i can't even legally go have a drink and drive myself nuts thinking about all this. (come on july!!) i'm trying to prepare myself for whatever he might throw out as my diagnosis, last time i went in thinking it was nothing, i was having surgery 5 days later. so i need to be on my toes, i suppose is what i'm thinking. i don't know really.

i'm still frustrated jacobs not here for all this. but thankful i can at least talk to him about it nearly everyday. he's trying to be tough, which is cute. but it's okay if he wants to be terrified with me. but he will never admit it.

there's so much going on in my life right now i feel like my head is going to spin off. work, my medical issues, my husband gone, closing on our house in 9 days, going to Virginia in 5 days to get our stuff & visit. i feel like i'm trying to take on the world, and kick ass at it. not just do it good enough to get by. oh yeah, i want to start school in may too. i've been fighting a losing battle with myself, and finally this week i have just cried. a lot. i've let it out, and it feels good. i'm tired of being tough & supergirl. i finally feel defeated. which isn't good but it does feel good to give 'tough' a break.

i said i would explain how i knew i wasn't experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, so here it is. i missed my period after jacob left. some strange spotting later, i found myself in a bathroom with two of my closest friends peeing on a stick. i said oh it's negative lets go. then i looked. ha. bethany says 'morgan why did you just go white as a ghost'.. sure enough there was a positive. it was faint but clearly there.. i was in complete shock, and quiet for the 2nd time in my life. the first time was when jacob proposed. 2 more positives, a negative, and a nothing later i find myself waiting at the drs office THEY HAD ME SCHEDULED FOR THE WRONG THING!! i don't know what part they didn't hear on the phone but they are morons. not to mention the rude bitch receptionist i talked to earlier that week. i never left the hallway of my doctors office. i fought back tears as the nurse shuffled me in the lab room to get blood drawn, i saw my doctor 3 seconds in the hallway. it was a mess. then the following week i get a call that my blood levels werent quite right and i still need to go back to make sure nothing is left in my uterus. the blood i experience, my doctor feels was a miscarriage. devastating. i want nothing more than to be a wife and mom. i was crushed. then this other crap starts happening so i'm really beaten down right now. they could've at least called me in for all that. it was a lot to hear over the phone.

one last piece of disappointing news, at least until i know more.. i went to the hospital to get my records from my ER trip for my doctor to have at my appointment. i go over my lab work they did.. something isn't right with my white blood cells. they are very very few. i really don't know why that would be. but i'm not looking it up either, i've scared myself enough. my doctor can tell me tomorrow.

on a happy note, in 5 days i will be at the beach. visiting my dear friend & getting our stuff out of storage to settle into our new home. i can't wait for that. i can't wait to feel that sand in between my toes. and really looking forward to the roadtrip with chelsea up there. :)

so dear doctor, please give me good news tomorrow.

"when push comes to shove you taste what your made of,

you might bend till you break cause it's all you can take.

on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough.

you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off,

then you stand."