"In dreams and in love nothing is impossible"

april 1st of last year is the day jacob told me he was being deployed. i thought it was his sick version of a april fool's joke. i vividly remember cussing him and telling him he WAS NOT funny, and certain body parts would be removed if he was joking.

at that point we didn't know where he was going, or for how long, or when. i was a wreck. my friend said to me the other day i remember you calling me balling to tell me he was leaving. i'm sure everyone remembers that. i KNEW it was coming, but i don't think anything can prepare you for it. almost 3 months came and went very quickly and there i was standing in a strange airport, 8 hours from home all alone. i thought about sitting there because i couldn't just put one foot in front of the other. i thought about chasing him, knowing security would take me out. other than that my mind was blank. what the hell was i supposed to do now? i made my way to my car, called people who didn't answer and when someone did all i could do was sob. i got to the hotel, by this point all our things we're moved back to knoxville and we had been staying in a hotel his last few days. it was a feeling i had never felt in my life, and never wanted to have to feel. i wanted to hide in the hotel room and not make the 8 hour drive back home the next morning. but i knew i needed someone. that was the longest 8 hours ever by the way.

at first i didn't think life would go on. it took me a month to get motivated to go find a job and actually do something with myself. it took a long time. a really long time for me to see that life most certainly was going on and i was okay. i turned around and nearly 10 months have gone by. it's nothing now. ((most days)) but today is one of those days that it completely and totally sucks ass.

i went to my cousins wedding today, it's hard to believe almost a year and a half ago i said those vows and took on my role as a sailor's wife. it really reminded me how much i love jacob. even through the bullshit. like the stupid idiotic fights and mood swings a deployment can make ten million times worse. i can't imagine my life without him. and i can't imagine our life any other way. then walking through the store tonight i was cussing inside my head, how the hell do you cook for one person? i'm not eating hamburger helper for 5 days or a sandwich every night. it really aggrivated the hell out of me. so i decided after i got my blood pressure nice and high. to just say FUCK IT. haha. ahh, yes one of those moods. [[PS i randomly started a period right at the end of the ceremony today, thank god for being nuts and taking extra clothes & underwear, and having tampons. haha]] so here's to you aunt flo, for coming on the worst day. i blame you for making me miss my husband even more, and for my temper tantrum in my head at the grocery store.

did i mention i'm still bitter about the in law thing too? ....